I got a new stick of deodorant the other day, the instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom… I haven’t been able to walk right since.

My wife told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then ignored her all day for no reason.

What do you call it when a priest goes poop? Holy Shit.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.

What do you call it when a short person waves at you? A microwave.

What tool got thrown out of the tool box for being to loud? The Rachet

Why should you never fight a dinosaur? Because you’d get Jurassic’d

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? To keep his nuts dry.

What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles… actually eleven, don’t forget about the Test-tickle.

What is a kidnappers favorite shoe? White Vans.

What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past.

Have you heard of the movie called Constipation?  It hasn’t come out yet.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don’t know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning.

Why does the ocean roar? You would roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.

What do you call a Chinese guy with a camera? Fil Ming.

How does a Muslim close a door? Islam’s it, Islam’s the door.

We used to have Empire’s run by Emperors. We used to have Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries….. 

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

Why is six afraid of seven? because seven is a registered six offender.

My pronoun is Envelope. I was born female but I identify as Mail.

Your mother is so fat I pictured her in my head and I broke my neck.

My wife said why don't you treat me like you did when we first started dating. So, I took her to dinner and a movie... Then dropped her off at her parents.

Why did princess peach choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.

What do Hillbillies do on Halloween? Pump-kin

What do you call Karate for amputees? Partial Arts.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ........................

I heard you're like a race car, is that true? You burn four rubbers a night.

My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Michael.

I was complaining about how tight the underwear is... My wife said Babe, you should just wear your own.

What is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Hump me dump me.

What do you call a cow with two legs? You mother.

My wife is a sex object... Every time I ask for sex... She objects.

What kind of meat does a vegetarian priest eat? Nun

What did the Horney Toad say? Rub-it

My favorite Sex position is called WOW... Its when i turn you MOM over.

What's the female version to "Tea-bagging" called? A Flap-i-chino

How did the Pirate get his lesbian sister laid? He asked someone to "Sizzer-me-sister"

What's the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy? One of them you "come as you are" the other one you "Arrrr as you cum"

What does a girl from Alabama say after some good lovin? Happy fathers day!

What does a near sighted Gynecologist and a puppy have in common? They both have a wet nose. 

What do bungee jumpers and gay men have in common? If the rubber breaks they’re both in deep shit.

A boy goes to a strip club. His MOM gets angry: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? BOY: Yes, I saw dad!

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....like my name, address and telephone number.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie? Ken came in another box.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He saw the snowblower coming. 

What does the sign on an out-of business brothel say? Beat It, We’re Closed.

What do you call an Italian Hooker? A Pasta-tute.

What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies.

What is Peter Pans favorite place to eat out? Wendy’s.

Why does the Mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her B-Shells.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breath out of that thing?

What do you call a cow having a seizure? Beef Jerky.

What does Tofu and a Dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes. 

What do you call Nuns on Bicycles? Romain’ Catholics.

Two nuns ride their bikes down a cobblestone-paved street. One says to the other… I’ve never come this way before.

Two Nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher exposes himself to them. One nun has a stroke but the other couldn’t quite reach.

My wife asked “Are you even listening to me?” … That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

What did the Firefighter say when the Brothel was on fire? Grab the Hoes!

…..more on the way…..