What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi.

I got fired from the bank today, a woman told me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

Today I learned if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat… because it’s Cap Sized.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school? A Father in Law

I got hit in the head with a can of soda, Luckily it was a soft drink.

What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that always worked out? He's Thor

I got an I phone for my girlfriend. All things considered I think it was a good trade.

The waiter asked me if I wanted a Box for my leftovers, I told him I don't like fighting.

What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.

What goes Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards.

Where does an animal that lost its tail go? to the re-tail store.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents. 

Did you hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight? It was a family feud.

What is a pigs favorite Karate move? The Pork Chop. 

I went to buy camouflage pants… but I couldn’t find any.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing — it just let out a little wine.

Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.

What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna 1 Anna 2.

What do you call a teacher who never farts in public? A private tutor.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the Plumber Say to the Singer? Nice Pipes.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels. 

I once submitted 10 puns to a competition…I hoped one would win, sadly, no pun in ten did.

What do you call Syrup with a speech impediment? Mrs. Stuttersworth

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

How do you make an egg roll? You push it.

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt!

To the guy that invented Zero, thanks for nothin.

Which Knight at the round table was the beefiest? Sirloin.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food — and I eat it.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do Mermaids wash their fins with? Tide

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

Why was the stadium so hot? Because all the fans left.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! 

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why was the broom late? Because it swept in.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay… they’d be bagels.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I was going to tell a time travel joke… you didn’t like it.

I’m writing a book about glue… I’m stuck on the first chapter.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory… until I took a couple days off.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes — she hugged me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well.

Why did the coconut never get picked for the team? It was a little nutty.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Office… I will find them, they have my Word.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.

I wanted to make a joke about pizza… but it was too cheesy.

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was… then it dawned on me.

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.

Why do dads bring extra socks golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating… she’s starting to sound like my wife.

I told a joke about a roof… it went over everyone’s head.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

Why did the pharmacist walk on tiptoes? She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

Why do dads tell jokes? Because they’re the pun in the family.

Did you hear about the guy hit with soda? It was a soft drink.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

Why are piggy banks so wise? They’re full of common cents.

Why did the fireman wear suspenders? To hold his pants up!

How do you know a dad joke? It’s a parent.

I tried writing jokes… but my book was stuck on page one.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they have no body.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador.

Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.

Why don’t programmers like nature? Too many bugs.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

Why did the golfer bring extra socks? In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on sleep.

Why was the broom late? It swept in.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing — they just waved.

Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was grounded.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

Why did the computer go to the dentist? Because it had bluetooth.

Why did the stadium get hot? Because all the fans left.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

Why did the banana go to the hospital? It wasn’t peeling well.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.

Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To talk to the other side.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house.

Why don’t cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.

Why did the pencil break up with the eraser? It felt rubbed the wrong way.

Why did the man sit on his watch? He wanted to be on time.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

Why did the dad bring a ladder to the joke list? Because the humor was next level.

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

I was driving to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left"... I started crying and went home.

Why did the blonde crash the Helicopter? It got chilly in there so she turned off the fan.

What do you do when you see a Space man? You park man.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

I used to hate facial hair—but then it grew on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The “P” is silent.

I told my dog to fetch a stick. He brought back a tree branch and said, “I tried.”

Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes—everyone else was a 9 or 10.

I once told a joke about construction. I’m still working on it.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

I told my kid to stop acting like a flamingo. He had to put his foot down.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. Not sure what he laced them with.

Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.

I named my dog “Five Miles.” Now I can say I walk Five Miles every day.

I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.

Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy it. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Why did the computer go to therapy? Too many bytes from the past.

I tried to be a baker. I couldn’t make enough dough.

I once ate a clock. It was time-consuming.

Why don’t cows have money? Farmers milk them dry.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.

Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on sleep.

I used to be afraid of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.

Why did the calendar get fired? It took too many days off.

I tried to learn origami, but I folded.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.

I’m friends with all electricians—we have great current connections.

Why did the music teacher go to jail? She got caught with sharp notes.

I told my suitcase there’d be no vacation this year. Now it’s dealing with emotional baggage.

Why did the fish blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy.

I don’t trust people who do acupuncture. They’re back stabbers.

Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.

I once wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.

I told my kid a joke about electricity. It was shocking.

Why did the broom get late? It swept in.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.

I tried to take a selfie with my shadow. It didn’t reflect well on

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey—but I turned myself around.

Why did the cow win an award? Outstanding performance.

I once got fired from the keyboard factory. I didn’t put in enough shifts.

Why don’t crabs give to charity? They’re shellfish.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament. Good players were hard to find.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.

I once told a joke about time travel. You didn’t like it.

Why did the pencil cross the road? To draw attention.

I used to be afraid of shadows. Then I realized they can’t hurt me.

Why did the orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice.

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

I told my fridge a joke. It cracked up and spilled everything.

Why did the man get hit with a bike every day? He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I once tried to catch a cloud. I mist.

Why did the paper shredder quit? It was tearing itself apart.

I don’t tell secrets in gardens. Too many leaks.

Why did the man bring string to the bar? To tie one on.

I used to be a calendar thief. I got twelve months.

Why did the shoe go to school? To become a sneaker.

I tried to be a photographer, but I couldn’t focus.

Why did the man sit on his watch? He wanted to be on time.

I once ate spicy food at a comedy show. It was a real hot take.

Why did the light bulb fail school? It wasn’t very bright.

I tried to write a joke about pizza. It was too cheesy.

Why did the duck get detention? Excessive quacking.

I named my phone “Titanic.” It sinks every time I drop it.

Why did the mushroom get invited to parties? He was a fun guy.

I told my kid to clean his room. He said he was waiting for motivation to strike.

Why did the man carry a pencil behind his ear? In case he needed to draw conclusions.

I tried to play cards with a mountain. Too many peaks.

Why did the fish fail school? He was below sea level.

I told a joke about glue. I got stuck on it.

Why did the sandwich go to therapy? It was feeling crumby.

I once had a fear of hurdles—but I got over it.

Why did the man bring a clock to dinner? He wanted seconds.

I asked my mirror for advice. It reflected deeply.

Why did the phone need glasses? It lost its contacts.

I told my wife I’d fix the squeaky door. I never said when.

Why did the bread go to the bank? To get a little more dough

How much do Pirates pay for earrings? A Buck-an-ear

I Accidentally sprayed Axe Body Spray in my mouth…. Now I talk with an Axe-Scent.

................More Jokes on the way.............