What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi.

My wife told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then ignored her all day for no reason.

I got fired from the bank today, a woman told me to check her balance... so I pushed her.

My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Michael.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda... Luckily it was a soft drink.

Today I learned if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat… because it’s Cap Sized.

How did the Pirate get his lesbian sister laid? He asked someone to "Sizzer-me-sister"

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that always worked out? He's Thor

I got an I phone for my girlfriend... All things considered I think it was a good trade.

The waiter asked me if I wanted a Box for my leftovers, I told him I don't like fighting.

What goes Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards.

Where does an animal that lost its tail go? to the re-tail store.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.